Red, Hot and Blue

I attended my step brother-in-law's 40th birthday party at Red, Hot and Blue in Annapolis, right by Route 50. The food was great, the decor was a musician's treat... concert posters, old photos of popular blues players, mini statues of the Blues Brothers, Elvis,  and pigs rockin' out.

In the men's room, on the wall by the urinals was a two-page instruction on "HOW TO SING THE BLUES". I asked for a copy and here it is...

"How To Sing the Blues"

by Lame Mango Washington

(Attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray, with help from Uncle Plunky, with revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line:

I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of

I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.

4. The blues are not about choice: You're stuck in a ditch; you're stuck in a ditch ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's, or SUV's. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues liefstyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson are just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you're skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good place for blues:

• Highway
• Jailhouse
• Empty Bed
• Bottom of a whiskey glass

      Bad places:

• AShrams
• Gallery openings
• Ivy League institutions
• Golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wearin' a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:

• You're older than dirt
• You're blind
• You shot a man in Memphis
• You can't be satisfied

      Do you have the right to sing the blues? No, if:

• You have all your teeth
• You were once blind but now you can see
• The man in Memphis lived
• You have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:

• Cheap wine (Mad Dog 20/20, Ripple, etc...)
• Whiskey or bourbon
• Muddy water
• Black coffee

     The following are NOT blues beverages:

• Mixed drinks
• Kosher wine
• Snapple
• Sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So are electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken-down cot. You can't have the blues death if you die during a tennis match or during liposuction.

16. Some blues names for women:

• Sadie
• Big Mama
• Bessie
• Fat River Dumpling

17. Some blues names for men:

• Joe
• Willie
• LittleWillie
• Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own blues name (starter kit)

1. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc...)
2. First Name (see #1) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc...)
3. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc...)

     For example: Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore

20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done it. I don't care.

Now go on!!!

-- Well, I guess I can't sing the blues.

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